(While cleaning out my PC, I stumbled upon this journal entry I wrote a couple years ago. I’ve definitely progressed since, but still have much to learn. Definitely looking forward, but it’s also good to reflect on occasion…)
To say that 2011 has been a difficult and amazing year would be an understatement.
THE STRUGGLE: Hard times and adversity pounded on my chest. Couple that with guilt that I kept on my shoulders for over a decade and the weight of it all was sure to make me crumble. The crazy part is that I didn’t. I had momentary breakdowns, yes, just like the next person, but something snapped along the way. I realized that I was so concerned for so many years about the pain and anguish I caused so many people in my past that I couldn’t see the present. I was so involved in who I used to be that I forgot to look in the mirror to see who I had become. What the hell was I doing… to myself?
I didn’t want to feel the guilt anymore. I didn’t care what adversities arose, I’d either go around them or bust right through because nothing would stop my determination. I AM a respectable, honorable man. I AM the person I had worked so hard to change into, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t accept it until that moment. I CAN achieve the goals I set out to obtain. I won’t let bumps in the road stop me from reaching my destination. A new found strength that for several years I had buried underneath all the pain, sorrow and complacency suddenly gave me a new understanding. I learned to appreciate so many things that I used to take for granted. To worry less about things I could not control, and focus on what I needed to do in order to improve each situation.
HEARTACHE: It’s always been easy for me to hold back my emotions. Years of building up walls to protect myself from caring. It’s just easier that way. What I didn’t realize was that “easier” meant no progression as a person. For the first time in years, I actually felt emotions. It scared the sh*t out of me to be real honest. I didn’t know how to handle it. I thought about her a lot. Does she know? Does she feel the same? Should I tell her? Instead, I kept it in. Fear… I was afraid to take the risk of getting hurt… again. So I acted like I didn’t care. When she was around, as much as I wanted to tell her, to hold her, I kept it in. Easier… but it wasn’t so easy this go around, so I began to do things I never did before. Asking friends for advice, putting out more hints about how I felt and finally actually admitting my emotions to her. And it turned out, she wasn’t feeling me. No fairytale ending to this story. Ouch! That sh*t hurts! But when you care for someone, you start to see things that you want to see. To believe things you want to believe. And all the logical thinking goes right out the door because you want something… or someone… so badly. And when the blindfold is unveiled it hurts your eyes to see the light. So I continued to close them. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t make her have the same emotions. I had to accept things for what they were as painful as it may be. But the pain reminded me of something. That as much as it may hurt, it felt better than the cold, emotionless state I clung to for years. It reminded me that I was alive.
THE LESSON: In order to find happiness, I can’t worry about what I cannot control. I can’t dwell on the past. I can’t be afraid of what may or may not be. I have to free myself of fear, guilt, and despair in order to Love and Live Life.
( 2014 THE VICTORY: I realized that happiness is a choice. It wasn’t something that I needed to search for, but something I simply needed to decide. My journey is far from done. Now that I am happy, it’s only natural to want to help spread happiness to those I love. Stay blessed. Give happy, to be happy. It’s only a decision.)